You Gotta Work Twice As Hard: How Cultural "Survival Tactics" Implicitly Perpetuate Cycles of Unworthiness and Exploitation, Pt. Two

It was me…

That’s the thing about unworthiness: It'll keep you working!

I was at a team building event at church on a Saturday morning. Instead of being focused on the activities, I was hemmed up in a corner with my laptop working away. That had become a common routine of mine—trying to stay on top of work that seemed to suffocate me. Someone made a snide comment about my "always working" and asked was I getting paid for all this "extra" I was doing. That comment sliced me deeply, probably because the person that asked me this was an obvious contributor to my developing resentment towards Corporate America, the global Christian church and humanity, altogether. But I think it hurt more because it felt like I was the butt of an ongoing joke. I felt like the horse who'd tired himself out trying to chase the carrot that he was predestined to never catch. Because although the horse is doing all the right things and all the work that it takes to earn the carrot, the carrot only becomes his IF the person holding it—who, by the way, is not doing any of the work—gives it to him. This is exploitation actually—extracting more value from someone than is given to them. That comment stayed with me for quite some time and led me to discover that what I felt at that moment, and had been feeling for awhile, was resentment. I was deep in it, too. Up to my thighs.

Sometimes, you don't realize you've been exploited until the end, and usually, it's at the hand of someone you respect, admire, or both. They get to know you and they keenly observe how you work. They subtly test you, and like the person you are, you consistently make the cut. You do all the things they need you to do, plus a little extra. You esteem excellence, you shy away from the spotlight; they see that. The only thing you want is to do good work and reach the goal you've set for yourself, which is the thing they've promised you: the carrot. And at the same time, you've got the added pressure of outrunning and defeating the stereotype. You know the stereotype: Black people are_____________. The pressure to outshine, outperform, defeat racist stereotypes and workplace microaggressions, rise to otherworldly expectations, conform to the idea that you've gotta work twice as hard, achieve your goals, be the answered prayers of your ancestors, your parents, and your high school teachers…ALL OF THAT is in cahoots with your job, your boss, your supervisor, and whomever else to exhaust every single bit of energy you've got. And when you've given them all you've got, even the bit you had to borrow, you expect the prize, the promotion, the promise, the carrot.

Instead…

"Unfortunately, we don't have the funds to…"

"Actually, we decided to go in a different direction and…"

"We figured that you weren't interested in…"

"I just need you to wait a little while longer until…"

"You're next, but…"

"Chad is a better fit for this. Besides, you're just way too talented and…"

I guess that's why the comment that was hurled at me that Saturday morning stung so badly. The comment, itself, posed the question, "What's the point?"

***

The Lesson

I've found resentment (which I define as the place where hate begins) to be a barely-curable condition, but they tell me that anything is possible! Untethering one's self from the glue of resentment, I believe, seems to be found in the simultaneous work of recognizing and assessing one's worth and worthiness. Once you realize your worth and your rights, and begin to establish agency as it pertains to your own identity, there are things you will not accept from anyone or anything. Your goals and aspirations change, too, because you realize that absolutely nothing is worth your peace. The process of recognizing and assessing one's worth and worthiness also allows for deep introspection; and, for me, that introspection forces me to take some marginal responsibility for some of this. As a result, I find that it is right here, where the resentment for the people and places that had a part in my exploitation, begins to lessen. Now, I know a little more, and so I know better. I'll work hard, but not two and three times as hard. I'll get the degree, but not for the sole reason of proving them wrong. I may or may not stay late…it depends on my mood that day. I'm not saying "yes" to everything, because contrary to popular belief, every proposition is not an opportunity. As a matter of fact, I will say "no" just for the hell of it. I will give discounts and do pro bono work for who I want because I feel like it; otherwise, my prices are connected to the level of service I give--I'm expensive because I'm excellent. I will engage in long periods of self-care. And for damn sure, I will walk away from anything that threatens to compromise the breakthroughs that I've made in my journey…because I can…because I am worth it. No more cycles. Nope.